Presence for Presents

I got not time that I got to get to where I don’t need to be.  Jack Johnson, Breakdown

I’m currently traveling on a bus from Oaxaca, Mexico to Puebla and will then catch a bus to Cuernavaca. It’s during a two week “breakdown” or a break from life as I have known it for the last three months.  Three months of “more than full-time” work, three graduate level courses (one of which was the most difficult course I have ever taken), two major and incapacitating head colds, and a husbandless house – aka “solo living.” Not to mention trying to continue relationships with family and friends and keep up on household stuff while writing thesis drafts. I broke down into tears more than once. I cut Skype conversations short with Jon in panic that I hadn’t done enough school work that week. I zoned out when people told me stories, even during Jon’s stories which were typically hilarious and interesting in his new bilingual and foreign world.

 

I want to break on down, but I can’t stop now.

The load of things I had to complete while he was away was sort of intentional, committed to in order to keep my mind off of him being away. But it was too much. I almost can’t believe now what I accomplished in three short months. I am grateful for this trip to Mexico and the time away from my crazy home life and time to spend with Jon. And this is what we have had – time. And lots of it. It has been glorious. And when I return home, the hard part is already over and behind me, I’m returning to more free time and self-made deadlines as far as school goes. I will have time again to connect with people, to hear their stories, to sit with them, to talk and listen without zoning out or panicking about not having finished an assignment. Jon will also be home in three short weeks.

A few months ago I attended a workshop offered through work. I don’t remember the exact topic of the session, but the facilitator was talking about how we have three “options” in communication. We can 1) push back or resist what someone is saying. We can 2) be passive with the message. Or we can 3) stand still and offer what he referred to as “authentic presence.” He also went on to share that he believes this to be the greatest gift we can give someone, this presence or this stillness without passivity. This stuck with me. Isn’t that the truth? When someone shares something with us aren’t these the things we do? We push back or resist if it is something we don’t want to hear or disagree with or feel we need to offer advice about. We are passive if it is something we don’t want to respond about or feel like we shouldn’t have an opinion about. But then these feelings can overshadow the message shared with us. We are worried about how to make our case, how to tell our story in the communication of the advice, worried that we will say too much so maybe we say nothing at all. We probably miss the message then completely and the moment of connection is gone.

This authentic presence has been on mind since this session back in October. I could feel it when I was successfully standing still and present with people. It felt good. I could feel the opposite when I cut short those Skype conversations or zoned out in the middle of stories.

My two weeks here in Mexico with Jon have been 100% presence and still-standing. It is completely refreshing, all we have is time. We have nothing to do but be present with each other and find out how to get to where we want to be that day. Is this not the best? Time? Connection? Still-standing presence? Even if I have not a plethora of time for it in my regular work/school week, can’t I stop everything (even my brain) when someone is sharing something with me? I agree with facilitator man about presence being the greatest gift we can give someone. I can feel it when someone is/is not present with me, or when they are “resisting” or they are being passive.

The stress of the past few months has already partially faded from memory and I can remember a few key moments, surely standing out in mind because of my presence in the moments: a full 24 hours with my niece, with nothing to do but swim, visit the Children’s Museum and color on the couch together. A birthday dinner with good conversation and pink and purple cake. A full day of baking Christmas cookies and just talking with my dad.

As I escaped the hustle and bustle of the holiday season this year, I know there will be more years of shopping and decorating and stressing out about holiday things. I will fret over what presents to buy this person or that person. But I will keep the magic of this Mexico trip with me for always. My reconnection with Jon, my two full solid weeks of presence with him. The way I can focus in on the simple and wonderful, how my heart can melt with joy just watching him snooze on the bus next to me as we wind through the hills of Mexico.

With all the people on the street moving fast as their feet can take ‘em, I just roll through town.  

             

So I conclude that being present is a present. The best one. Happy New Year. Salud. To Presence.

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